Award Time

The blogosphere seems to be caught by the bug… everyone has become a critic, jury, junta and judges at the same time. People are throwing awards for best movies, worst movies, best baby products and best sex positions every now and then.

To hum kahe hamau award banten

I was thinking deliberately about in which category or segment I should throw my awards. After a lot of thinking I have decided my awards would be for the most aggressive brands in India. The definition of the aggressive is not necessarily smart marketers and is also not the best marketed brand. In simple words it is the brand which has got fantastic penetration among its target audience.

My list goes like this.

P.s. The order of the winners is random and each of them is a winner with equal dignity irrespective of the ordering in the below list.

ICICI: being the banker consciously I have put ICICI first on the list, as the organization deserves all the respect for being whatever it is today. Profitable or not they just want to get into the veins of India. The funda is simple, largest market share of everything. And they have left no stone unturned. The organization is an ocean of people and trust me, they actually have developed systems where the individual no longer matters. However much we like to hate this bank due to operational goof ups and the infamous collection scandals, I cant stop marveling at the sheer aggression of the bank and its top management.

The Times of India group. Worlds largest circulated broadsheet newspaper. The times of India, economic times, the mirror (Mumbai, Bangalore, Ahmedabad), Navbharat times, Sandesh, oh the list goes on. The group is too focused, they don’t want to do too many things. They are clear about penetrating media sector. In the world where the newspaper circulations are going down, this is one group that has courage to launch new dailies in new geographies (Bangalore mirror, Ahmedabad Mirror). TOI is the only popular daily that has sold its editorial page as well. Even the most sacred, sacred space carries Citi advertisement and yet the circulation is soaring. With Lead India do we see a fourth front in Indian politics coming up.

Big Entertainment: what can be more appropriate name for the entertainment group floated by Anil Dirubhai Ambani. The brand started with FM radio and got what it wanted, same frequency across India, so what if it meant the existing players had to change the frequency. Imagine a TT coming into a crowded train compartment and telling you, hey you why don’t u just get up and let this gentlemen sit here, I have made alternate arrangements for you. No, no arguments, he is rich. The penetration levels can be gauged by the below pic. It was shot at a very small chai ka galla in vadodara. The group has gone into various entertainment segments from movie distribution to movie making and music to entertainment parks.

Future group: All of us thought Reliance, TATA, Walmart are here and there will not be enough of future group anymore, a soft take over target. But we all were mistaken and the future group is standing taller than ever. Mr. Biyani has gone aggressively on adding new private labels new brand stores. Big Bazaar kindda changed the whole shopping experience for the Indian middle class. The guy has laid out all real estate acquisition program till 2011!!!

Vodafone: They have paid too much for Hutch, was what all the analysts were shouting… I say every penny is well spent. After all where else you will get so many licenses in place, a good brand to piggy back on, a market with potential of 1 million new connections every month, margins in excess of 40% and a cute tubb to woo so many customers. The magic box opened and the brand spread to all the possible frontiers. The town was colored red and everyone knew hutch is now Vodafone. Just when everyone thought there was not a single place left for putting your brand Vodafone went into colonies and told them “I brand your colony, give u all the boards and signs you need in your vicinity and will keep my little smiling red and white logo next to it.” Community branding I say!!!!

This list is exhaustive and all inclusive. No I don’t think putting IIPM, SRK or OSO next to these brands is a dignified thing to do. There are no other brands as aggressive as the above ones in India. Period. If you think there are try to put a comment for the same and see how I rip you apart.

Cuts Like a Knife

The post was removed by the blogger, as it was personal

They never say what they mean

Background: I handled an IPO for one of my clients recently. Five days after the day of IPO closing, it was a public holiday and I was sitting with Aishwarya in my arms. Suddenly the hand phone rang and Aishwarya jumped out of my hands. I cursed the caller and get out of bed. It was my IPO client (GM). He was singing some melody, I tried to figure out what song was that. And then he said, are you listening.

GM (The abbreviation where M sounds like Charu): Vijay, there is an employee who applied for our company shares, his cheque bounced, can you do something?
Me: But its been 5 days that the IPO has closed, I can not take a fresh instrument (bankers love to use this word while talking to the client, in simple words it means a cheque). It will be an audit issue (Audit is one of the words that bankers use, when we don’t know what reason to give to the client) as the instrument number on form will never match with my records. However let me try. I don’t promise anything (if your banker likes you, these words mean don’t worry, I ll do anything)

After lots of back and forth with all the small and big numbers (read ranks / bankers) in the organization I managed to convince lots of people. With a pleasant thought on my mind to impress the new customer and help an employee I called up GM again.

Me: sir, I can do it. but this will delay your listing procedure by two days. Nothing to worry we will still have two days extra to meet guidelines. I hope that should be ok with you. Trust me no banker would have done it for anyone, its purely because of the relationship we share with your company. (talk about selling)
GM: two days, hmmm let me think.


Big banker: I had chat with A, cant we give him MIS tomorrow (i.e. listing as scheduled) and accommodate the cheque as well.
(GM had called him after talking to me.)
Me: nope
BB: I am sure we can
Me: I am telling you we cant.

I got no phone calls or confirmation from GM. After two hours, my door bell rings.

Stranger (S): GM sent me to give u this cheque. Sorry I goofed up but with the help of our GM and you I am sure I will be able to participate in this money making proposition.
Me: (looks like GM has decided in favor of S). Sure sir, I ll be glad to help you.

S left

Call from GM
Before he said hello
Me: sir S came and gave me new cheque. We will do the needful.
GM: listen first, keep this cheque with you till tomorrow afternoon. Call S and tell him you could not do it, coz of some internal problem and that you were sorry for that.
Me: but sir this will make his life, he will make at least 2 lacs on this.
GM: We have our own constraints. Thank you, anyways as no banker would have done it. I did not want you to make an exception and get into unnecessary trouble. I do appreciate the gesture, thank you for everything.
ME: sure sir.

Next day:
Me: sorry sir, I could not do it, auditors did not agree.
E: (broken, shaken, shattered, destroyed like heroshima). Silent
Me: I am really sorry sir.
E: Silent.
Me: I tried my best.
E: silent.
Me: I will send you back the instrument today.
E: I thought I will not have to take loan for my kid’s education, how could you? Is it because I am too small a person to trouble you or pressurize you.
Me: sir I could not help it, and I can understand what you going through.

I was actually sorry, I still am. Not for being in a position where I could not do anything. It was the client’s call and there was no irregulation from my side. I would have gone against the system, had I accommodated this request. I would have spoiled my relationship with registrar but I still wanted to do it. I could not.

I wonder, how insensitive could A get while telling me to take the blame. I am sure he will love me for the rest of his life and will owe me one. He will give me more business, I will have better numbers to show and appreciation from my boss. But I still wanted to do it for the guy who is working as a production manager for my client for last 15 years. I wanted to do it for his kid, who would be an MBA like me and would probably not do what I did today. I wanted to do it for myself, I know how problematic it can get when it comes to financing education. I had almost given up my confirmed MBA seat.

But I will always hate GM, and make him realize how bad can it get when your bank does not like you.

...they never mean what they say

they never say they mean

they only want you to give in

i wish to god that i could meet somebody

that i could just spend

somebody that i could just spend

Spam

I recently got a mail from google that shook me off completely

Blogger
to me
show details
Dec 14 (6 days ago)
Dear Blogger user, This is a message from the Blogger team. Your blog, at http://lostconfusedandconfident.blogspot.com/, has been identified as a potential spam blog. For an explanation of what spam blogs are, please see Blogger Help: http://help.blogger.com/bin/answer.py?answer=42577 You will not be able to publish posts to your blog until we review your site and confirm that it is not a spam blog. To request a review, please fill out the form found here: http://www.blogger.com/unlock-blog.g?lockedBlogID=3827509568294412998 We will take a look at your blog and unlock it within four business days. Please note that if we do not hear from you within 20 days, we will remove your blog. If this blog does not belong to you, then you do not have to do anything. Any other blogs you may have will not be affected. Since you are an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not spam. We find spam by using an automated classifier. Automatic spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and occasionally a blog is flagged incorrectly. We sincerely apologize for this erroneous result. By using this kind of system, however, we can dedicate more storage, bandwidth, and engineering resources to users like you instead of to spammers. Thank you for your understanding and for your help in our spam-fighting efforts. Sincerely, The Blogger Team

I SPAM!! What do they mean by spam. Now here is a boy who has just started blogging, this is his first ever stint at writing. On one hand you encourage him to blog by marketing blogging as the in thing and then you go and block his blog. But thank god for small mercies, I reverted to this mail and now the blog seems to be working fine.

P.S. If you ever want to publicize your blog, sending link to all your 500 friends is not a good idea.

Mirror Mirror on the page

Wake up, go see the sea (I was staying at marine drive this time! Wow I love this bank). Go to balcony, scratch oops i mean stretch. Come to drawing room pick up a tabloid. First I thought the paper is not properly organized and someone has just kept the third page on front. I flip through the tabloid to find the first page and suddenly realize. The below is the front page .

Whoop! Can you beat it, this was the first page of a popular tabloid. And the name of the tabloid hits me harder, is it really a mirror of Mumbai. The poor guy in the photo does not even belong to Mumbai and has never played for Mumbai even in local day night tournaments ever. I am no expert on the media and the journalism but even to me the above piece seems to be a total rip off of the profession.

Mumbai never fails to surprise me.

Aadmi hun Aadmi se PYAR karta hun

Gay confrontations in Mumbai

The city seems to be a gay paradise. There are gay clubs, gay pubs and someone told me even gay gangs. Some people actually go overboard in announcing it. And some people in better jobs enjoy it while being on security duty at the Haji Ali entrance point. I have no issues with sexual orientation of anyone and I completely respect such natural tendencies. But at the same time I am opposed to any homosexual confrontations, just like I am opposed to eve teasing, harassment and molestation of the opposite sex. During my stay at the city of dreams I had some bitter confrontations. Here is the account on that.

Confrontation one: I am traveling on local train it’s crowded as it has to be. The compartment is jam packed to the extent that I am almost in the superman-taking-off position, not holding on to any hangers and still not shaking a micro centimeter, due to hoards of people. While standing in such a yogic position, I suddenly feel a hand moving across my crotch, first I ignored it thinking someone just might have accidentally hum ah… but the strokes continued and I was taken a back. I looked into all the faces around me; each of them was expressionless like that of a clerk at government tourism desk. With great difficulty I pulled back and tried to catch the hand. I failed. I am sure for the committer my organ was as faceless as for me his hand. But how can anyone even try something as absurd as this in crowded place like Mumbai local.

Confrontation two: Mastram was fellow trainee at the training I attended in Mumbai. Mastram, as the name suggests is cheerful and equally colorful gay guy. He did not confront me physically but threw vital hints and invitations. Couple of things he said were, “yar, I am kindda heterosexual male and like to move with lots of guys around. You know what I mean (smirk)”. Yeah I know what u mean but I don’t even want to understand why you telling this to me. When this did not work he invited me for a drink to his home, I tried to escape by giving excuse of traveling he said he will come over and gave a wide grin when I told him he could not have stayed over at the guest house, as there was only one bed. He was delighted to know that.

No complaints against Mastram, lots of straight people do flirt / chance maro with the other gender. I do. But the kind of physical molestation I underwent in first incident shattered me. I wonder, what would be going inside such a mind while doing something that. Was that person really deprived, desperate or was he purely experimental? Was it really his fault or is it because the system and society that discourage him to come out in open and admit his preferences? Was it him alone or there are many who go to crowded places like local only for such physical pleasure. If there are many, my appeal, stop doing it, your single action may make people generalize and hate the whole homosexual community. Also no one boards local thinking, “wow! It’s crowded today, let’s see how many of these people are interested in stroking me.” So do yourself a favor and resist the temptation.

Mumbai

I was in Mumbai for one week. Jotting down highlights of my week at the city that never sleeps.

Day one:
Marine lines and Charni road: Beautiful, awesome and romantic place missed motu. Did not smoke, the panipuri at the chopati is good.

Day two:
Haaji Ali: surprised to sea such a peaceful place at the centre of Mumbai. Was not crowded for a change, sitting in the backyard of dargah is blissful. Wanted to smoke, could not. Go after 9 in the evening on Mon-thu to feel the place.

Day three:
Totos at Bandra: Mumbai’s answer to Bangalore pubbing. Good ambience, rock(ing) music and surprisingly affordable. Was a chaos even on a Wednesday. Smoked, might not want to come back here.

Day four:
Market Area: I love markets, I find them more fascinating than a graceful woman. The hustle bustle of these trade intensive low margin markets keep Mumbai running. A larger part of the trading activity in India is affected directly or indirectly by these markets. Crowfard, Raminton and Manish markets are kind of price barometers of lots of products for rest of India. I will come here again. Went to Marine lines again, smoked.

Day Five:
Most amazing day. Went to Gateway for fairy ride, walked back to Churchgate and had beer at the best-view place in Mumbai i.e. Pizzeria. It’s the place with sea view on Churchgate sea face a must visit when in Mumbai; opp to Baskin Robins and mocha. Walked back till Charni Road, took last local to reach guest house.

Day Six:
Met the tamilian gang. They look so much out of place in Mumbai. KK, Gundu and the six guys had all the plans ready for the evening. I was the star of evening, as always, the Tamilian Mafia gets impressed by me pretty easily. I think that’s the beauty, they just give in. Half of us were drunk like fish when we decided to walk out and have dinner at a roadside dosa place (what if drunk, they are still Tamilians). He-man poured his heart out in front of me (dude I am not what u think I am, I might just spill it infront of someone else, I have never done this to anyone but I fear when anyone trusts me). KK, was all emotional to have spent one more memorable evening (see I have that effect on people I like). Kat was not drunk but he said an evening like this was not thinkable without me (Kat thanks if it was a compliment). I got good kick and behaved like a drunkard after a long time. Logged in late in the night, SW was not there. Good night to me, all the Tamilians were asleep already. Gundu went to her home.

Thanks KK, Gana, Kam and Kat for pampering drunkard me; like a kid. I ll always love you for that.

Day seven:
Hangover, a very bad one. Still gathered myself and went to Siddivinayak, see I am one of those religious types, this was my third religious place. Hangover. The place is over crowded, I may not go there again. Hangover. Boarded flight for back home with lots of good times. Hope hangover goes off after this black coffee.

Thank you KK, Gundu, Tam Gang, Udu, Kiddo and SW for making it a wonderful stay.

Checklist
Go to Crowfard Market Check
Go to Manish Market Check
Go to Siddivinayak Check
Pick up FF’s parcel Oops
Meet SW Ditched
Go to haji ali Check
Drink lots of beer Check

Next post: Gay confrontations in Mumbai.