They never say what they mean

Background: I handled an IPO for one of my clients recently. Five days after the day of IPO closing, it was a public holiday and I was sitting with Aishwarya in my arms. Suddenly the hand phone rang and Aishwarya jumped out of my hands. I cursed the caller and get out of bed. It was my IPO client (GM). He was singing some melody, I tried to figure out what song was that. And then he said, are you listening.

GM (The abbreviation where M sounds like Charu): Vijay, there is an employee who applied for our company shares, his cheque bounced, can you do something?
Me: But its been 5 days that the IPO has closed, I can not take a fresh instrument (bankers love to use this word while talking to the client, in simple words it means a cheque). It will be an audit issue (Audit is one of the words that bankers use, when we don’t know what reason to give to the client) as the instrument number on form will never match with my records. However let me try. I don’t promise anything (if your banker likes you, these words mean don’t worry, I ll do anything)

After lots of back and forth with all the small and big numbers (read ranks / bankers) in the organization I managed to convince lots of people. With a pleasant thought on my mind to impress the new customer and help an employee I called up GM again.

Me: sir, I can do it. but this will delay your listing procedure by two days. Nothing to worry we will still have two days extra to meet guidelines. I hope that should be ok with you. Trust me no banker would have done it for anyone, its purely because of the relationship we share with your company. (talk about selling)
GM: two days, hmmm let me think.


Big banker: I had chat with A, cant we give him MIS tomorrow (i.e. listing as scheduled) and accommodate the cheque as well.
(GM had called him after talking to me.)
Me: nope
BB: I am sure we can
Me: I am telling you we cant.

I got no phone calls or confirmation from GM. After two hours, my door bell rings.

Stranger (S): GM sent me to give u this cheque. Sorry I goofed up but with the help of our GM and you I am sure I will be able to participate in this money making proposition.
Me: (looks like GM has decided in favor of S). Sure sir, I ll be glad to help you.

S left

Call from GM
Before he said hello
Me: sir S came and gave me new cheque. We will do the needful.
GM: listen first, keep this cheque with you till tomorrow afternoon. Call S and tell him you could not do it, coz of some internal problem and that you were sorry for that.
Me: but sir this will make his life, he will make at least 2 lacs on this.
GM: We have our own constraints. Thank you, anyways as no banker would have done it. I did not want you to make an exception and get into unnecessary trouble. I do appreciate the gesture, thank you for everything.
ME: sure sir.

Next day:
Me: sorry sir, I could not do it, auditors did not agree.
E: (broken, shaken, shattered, destroyed like heroshima). Silent
Me: I am really sorry sir.
E: Silent.
Me: I tried my best.
E: silent.
Me: I will send you back the instrument today.
E: I thought I will not have to take loan for my kid’s education, how could you? Is it because I am too small a person to trouble you or pressurize you.
Me: sir I could not help it, and I can understand what you going through.

I was actually sorry, I still am. Not for being in a position where I could not do anything. It was the client’s call and there was no irregulation from my side. I would have gone against the system, had I accommodated this request. I would have spoiled my relationship with registrar but I still wanted to do it. I could not.

I wonder, how insensitive could A get while telling me to take the blame. I am sure he will love me for the rest of his life and will owe me one. He will give me more business, I will have better numbers to show and appreciation from my boss. But I still wanted to do it for the guy who is working as a production manager for my client for last 15 years. I wanted to do it for his kid, who would be an MBA like me and would probably not do what I did today. I wanted to do it for myself, I know how problematic it can get when it comes to financing education. I had almost given up my confirmed MBA seat.

But I will always hate GM, and make him realize how bad can it get when your bank does not like you.

...they never mean what they say

they never say they mean

they only want you to give in

i wish to god that i could meet somebody

that i could just spend

somebody that i could just spend

Banker

A banker, sexier though it may sound is nothing but a mere number. His work, clients, colleagues and achievements everything is a number, just like his contact details. Bosses love him when his numbers are good and would not take much time to disown him if the numbers go southwards. so how does a banker keeps up the numbers.

A banker’s life is not easy, specially if he is in sales. To meet his numbers he tries various things, few of them are listed below.

Googling: Google is like oxygen to a banker. To find new client data first thing he does is go Google. A retail relationship manager Googls to find out who is who and whose got how much? He will search all the trade directories to talk to the MDs and CEOs of small and big companies. The corporate sales RM, out of his whims keeps putting in search criteria, like exporters / importers in my city, middle market companies, the one who exported hair of devotees, the one who exports cocks and hens etc. Higher the frustration level, funnier the search criteria. The banker who is already talking to a client and conspiring to land some money to him, Googls to find out the credibility of such client.

Business Newspaper: The fresher thinks reading the business newspaper will help him know lots of things about lots of companies and he can call them. He does not realise that most of these lots of new things about lots of old companies are cooked by none but the company. And when you call the CFO, he puts you on hold for a while. On the other line he dials his MD and the conversation goes “Sir (laughing) yes, I am on other line with him, you were right about these bankers, he he he, now we will cook it”. Wake up, the actually good companies are already over banked and their wives (existing bankers) would not let them talk to you.

Writing names when on the way: This is the most funniest way to generate leads, while on the way to meet the clinet, he keeps looking out of the cab (your bank paid for it) window, just to see if there is any worthy (looking big from outside) company that he can call up for meeting. the poor banker keeps making long lists of such names only to realize these are not googlable and because there are no Google results he assumes these companies not big enough, forget it... he he he

Talk to old lost friends: He starts getting in touch with all the auto and pan walas he used to know once. Spends lots of time on Orkut just to find out which of his friends, their friends and their friends are working with a worthy corporate. After several scraps, he will call him up a friend and the dialogue will go like this... hi bindi how u doing? remember me? the one! we met once on the tram to sonaganchi... ya ya the guy who was not carrying condoms, no not the one who was not wearing innerwear... na re baba u r confusing, the one who was looking for cost effectiveness and not quality. Yes bang on the lanky fellow with mooch and chashma. After doing the initial remember me exercise he hits the nail. Yar, I heard u working in the finance dept of Cant Fix a Bug Ltd. would it be possible for u to get me introduced to ur boss. I am working with Hamesha Sabke Behind Chalta bank now and thought if you guys would be interested in looking at our structural working capital no one understand solutions that we provieei... Beep beep beep beep.

Socialize: The sexiest souonding activity. Imagine going to golf course, joining clubs, the high end health parlors, the can not afford salons and the high-end discs with a hope to socialize with the corporate bigwigs. But if u belong to the unlucky gang nothing of these super expensive things will work. The golf course would be full of retired defense personnel. The clubs u can afford are full of bankers, they made the same mistake. The health parlors are full of has grown out of size kids of industrialist, who do not know a thing about what their self proclaimed fathers do. The salons are crowded with the wives of these quality contacts, who can have u as their candy boy but will not introduce you to their hubby. The discs are full of kids who just want to get high; u knew it.


However strange and innovatively useless the above may sound, the life of a sales guy in a bank is like that. The poor sole keeps changing the strategies, sources, databases and at times him self just for that single convert / click / sale. And when that account happens, no one can gauge his happiness. He is on different level, the feeling is nothing less than good sex. Confident, like on top of the world.