They never say what they mean

Background: I handled an IPO for one of my clients recently. Five days after the day of IPO closing, it was a public holiday and I was sitting with Aishwarya in my arms. Suddenly the hand phone rang and Aishwarya jumped out of my hands. I cursed the caller and get out of bed. It was my IPO client (GM). He was singing some melody, I tried to figure out what song was that. And then he said, are you listening.

GM (The abbreviation where M sounds like Charu): Vijay, there is an employee who applied for our company shares, his cheque bounced, can you do something?
Me: But its been 5 days that the IPO has closed, I can not take a fresh instrument (bankers love to use this word while talking to the client, in simple words it means a cheque). It will be an audit issue (Audit is one of the words that bankers use, when we don’t know what reason to give to the client) as the instrument number on form will never match with my records. However let me try. I don’t promise anything (if your banker likes you, these words mean don’t worry, I ll do anything)

After lots of back and forth with all the small and big numbers (read ranks / bankers) in the organization I managed to convince lots of people. With a pleasant thought on my mind to impress the new customer and help an employee I called up GM again.

Me: sir, I can do it. but this will delay your listing procedure by two days. Nothing to worry we will still have two days extra to meet guidelines. I hope that should be ok with you. Trust me no banker would have done it for anyone, its purely because of the relationship we share with your company. (talk about selling)
GM: two days, hmmm let me think.


Big banker: I had chat with A, cant we give him MIS tomorrow (i.e. listing as scheduled) and accommodate the cheque as well.
(GM had called him after talking to me.)
Me: nope
BB: I am sure we can
Me: I am telling you we cant.

I got no phone calls or confirmation from GM. After two hours, my door bell rings.

Stranger (S): GM sent me to give u this cheque. Sorry I goofed up but with the help of our GM and you I am sure I will be able to participate in this money making proposition.
Me: (looks like GM has decided in favor of S). Sure sir, I ll be glad to help you.

S left

Call from GM
Before he said hello
Me: sir S came and gave me new cheque. We will do the needful.
GM: listen first, keep this cheque with you till tomorrow afternoon. Call S and tell him you could not do it, coz of some internal problem and that you were sorry for that.
Me: but sir this will make his life, he will make at least 2 lacs on this.
GM: We have our own constraints. Thank you, anyways as no banker would have done it. I did not want you to make an exception and get into unnecessary trouble. I do appreciate the gesture, thank you for everything.
ME: sure sir.

Next day:
Me: sorry sir, I could not do it, auditors did not agree.
E: (broken, shaken, shattered, destroyed like heroshima). Silent
Me: I am really sorry sir.
E: Silent.
Me: I tried my best.
E: silent.
Me: I will send you back the instrument today.
E: I thought I will not have to take loan for my kid’s education, how could you? Is it because I am too small a person to trouble you or pressurize you.
Me: sir I could not help it, and I can understand what you going through.

I was actually sorry, I still am. Not for being in a position where I could not do anything. It was the client’s call and there was no irregulation from my side. I would have gone against the system, had I accommodated this request. I would have spoiled my relationship with registrar but I still wanted to do it. I could not.

I wonder, how insensitive could A get while telling me to take the blame. I am sure he will love me for the rest of his life and will owe me one. He will give me more business, I will have better numbers to show and appreciation from my boss. But I still wanted to do it for the guy who is working as a production manager for my client for last 15 years. I wanted to do it for his kid, who would be an MBA like me and would probably not do what I did today. I wanted to do it for myself, I know how problematic it can get when it comes to financing education. I had almost given up my confirmed MBA seat.

But I will always hate GM, and make him realize how bad can it get when your bank does not like you.

...they never mean what they say

they never say they mean

they only want you to give in

i wish to god that i could meet somebody

that i could just spend

somebody that i could just spend

Banker

A banker, sexier though it may sound is nothing but a mere number. His work, clients, colleagues and achievements everything is a number, just like his contact details. Bosses love him when his numbers are good and would not take much time to disown him if the numbers go southwards. so how does a banker keeps up the numbers.

A banker’s life is not easy, specially if he is in sales. To meet his numbers he tries various things, few of them are listed below.

Googling: Google is like oxygen to a banker. To find new client data first thing he does is go Google. A retail relationship manager Googls to find out who is who and whose got how much? He will search all the trade directories to talk to the MDs and CEOs of small and big companies. The corporate sales RM, out of his whims keeps putting in search criteria, like exporters / importers in my city, middle market companies, the one who exported hair of devotees, the one who exports cocks and hens etc. Higher the frustration level, funnier the search criteria. The banker who is already talking to a client and conspiring to land some money to him, Googls to find out the credibility of such client.

Business Newspaper: The fresher thinks reading the business newspaper will help him know lots of things about lots of companies and he can call them. He does not realise that most of these lots of new things about lots of old companies are cooked by none but the company. And when you call the CFO, he puts you on hold for a while. On the other line he dials his MD and the conversation goes “Sir (laughing) yes, I am on other line with him, you were right about these bankers, he he he, now we will cook it”. Wake up, the actually good companies are already over banked and their wives (existing bankers) would not let them talk to you.

Writing names when on the way: This is the most funniest way to generate leads, while on the way to meet the clinet, he keeps looking out of the cab (your bank paid for it) window, just to see if there is any worthy (looking big from outside) company that he can call up for meeting. the poor banker keeps making long lists of such names only to realize these are not googlable and because there are no Google results he assumes these companies not big enough, forget it... he he he

Talk to old lost friends: He starts getting in touch with all the auto and pan walas he used to know once. Spends lots of time on Orkut just to find out which of his friends, their friends and their friends are working with a worthy corporate. After several scraps, he will call him up a friend and the dialogue will go like this... hi bindi how u doing? remember me? the one! we met once on the tram to sonaganchi... ya ya the guy who was not carrying condoms, no not the one who was not wearing innerwear... na re baba u r confusing, the one who was looking for cost effectiveness and not quality. Yes bang on the lanky fellow with mooch and chashma. After doing the initial remember me exercise he hits the nail. Yar, I heard u working in the finance dept of Cant Fix a Bug Ltd. would it be possible for u to get me introduced to ur boss. I am working with Hamesha Sabke Behind Chalta bank now and thought if you guys would be interested in looking at our structural working capital no one understand solutions that we provieei... Beep beep beep beep.

Socialize: The sexiest souonding activity. Imagine going to golf course, joining clubs, the high end health parlors, the can not afford salons and the high-end discs with a hope to socialize with the corporate bigwigs. But if u belong to the unlucky gang nothing of these super expensive things will work. The golf course would be full of retired defense personnel. The clubs u can afford are full of bankers, they made the same mistake. The health parlors are full of has grown out of size kids of industrialist, who do not know a thing about what their self proclaimed fathers do. The salons are crowded with the wives of these quality contacts, who can have u as their candy boy but will not introduce you to their hubby. The discs are full of kids who just want to get high; u knew it.


However strange and innovatively useless the above may sound, the life of a sales guy in a bank is like that. The poor sole keeps changing the strategies, sources, databases and at times him self just for that single convert / click / sale. And when that account happens, no one can gauge his happiness. He is on different level, the feeling is nothing less than good sex. Confident, like on top of the world.

yet another job

This is my third organization in the matter of 2.5 years. A nightmare of a CV for a recruiter, but as I say, “do I care, let them hire me if I am good for them and I will work for them if they are good for me. I work only for satisfaction, having good time, spending money and for a bank.”

TDV was asking the other day, how is your yet another new work and are u satisfied. Good question and trust me I had asked this to myself a lot of times. So here is what I responded, see dude, technically all the work is shit. Its just at some place the shit is deeper and at others it stinks more. This pool stinks more. Now the question is if everything is shit how do u chose which shit to get into. The answer is simple you get into shit coz you get good money. So chose the one that pays u more. Also you have to chose between depth and smell, if you are the one who likes to do lots of work of similar kind go for the deeper one and if you like to crack deals every day go for the one that encourages you to tell more lies the stinking one.

first of last blog

alright this is my last and final attempt at blogging... if i cant write or continue writing i will never ever ever try blogging again... let me tell you one thing clearly i am blogging this time for someone... someone in me...

so lets hit it...

i will start with a crib post... this is something i had written for a website of a friend... this post is about my Ex (job)... so here i go.

dementor at its worst

My boss… when you see him first thing that comes to your mind is well groomed rhino. But I calling him rhino would be an insult to living things that have anything remotely linked to emotions. I am not saying he is insensitive as he senses all the opportunities to bash you just fine. He is also good at sensing the opportunity to eat into credit of your work too. Like they say I was a genius, but this boss ruined me. When I came to this work I was all charged up and geared up to conquer the world. but I came I saw and I refused to move.Conquered, I did. But that came out to be this credit stealer’s triumph in front of the who is who of the organization. And look at his guts instead of praising the good work he started ridiculing my efforts. He started comparing my other work parameters with employees in other region, other departments, in other organizations and eventually on other planets (he thought it was funny).After that instance I refused to work and went on an informal strike, where it would seem like I am working to the whole world but I would not be putting in quality effort. It started reflecting on my numbers, oh by the way I am a sales guy for one of the global banks and my life moves around these psychopathic numbers which someone sitting in some other world decided for me. So I do nothing more than a number, I am as good as my numbers and may be I am a number for someone sitting on the first step of this ladder.Now my bad number will also mean a bad luck for this rhino so one day he decides to give me some gyan. But may be I got on his nerve by being a sympathetic listener and he went on telling me that he did not care (actually he need not have told me, I knew it just too well) how I met my numbers. He said do whatever but get me those numbers. and than he defined that whatever. This definition included meeting the female CFOs and remind them of their old days also finding the CFOs with new found sexual tendencies. Was he serious? Do I care?But everything was still ok, my strike was going on and I was still able to put up a good face in front of him and counterparts, till last week when I got to know that one of the deals that I had cracked for him got nominated for the best deal continent award by this global bank. And I was never informed about.It makes me think that is it just him or is it embedded in this organizational culture, that until you are at certain level u will never be heard. Until you do good perception management for your super bosses u will never get credit. Until you do something that u would soak their asses u would never climb the steps of that ladder. But now the things are ok I am on my way out of this global bank. But are they really ok, coz I am moving to some other MNC bank and who knows I just find another rhino waiting for me.